quibbling

an interpersonal mindfulness  anecdote

the precise naming of a quality of interaction - in a collegial spirit, neither avoiding nor escalating -  can take a dyad from contention to collaboration, can increase closeness.

i sometimes teach that there are 5 common categories of responses therapists give to their patients: i hear you, of course, thank you, no response, and fuck you. i'm preparing to write up the "5 responses," maybe in the next few weeks, so i want to credit whoever taught me, somewhere 30 or 35 years ago. i write my colleagues but no luck.

frank doesn't know either, but he takes an interest and writes back with a very detailed explication of how 5 categories can't do justice to all responses, and challenges me to fit his response into any of the five. He concludes, "so therefore we may need another category that contains every response not included in the original 5."

i feel his good will and value the attention he has given my ideas, so i reply, "good point. quibbling is not included as one of the 5." i elaborate a bit on how i don't intend to be comprehensive, just to give a rough guideline.

"This is cool," he replies, "I get a good wry smile out of the quibbling category." i email him my thanks.