a woman laments that her boyfriend has been unfaithful. he says he feels terrible about it, but if she tries to vent her disappointment and hurt, he tells her what's done is done and asks that they just start afresh. if she persists, he complains that he feels faint. she feels trapped, unable to get over it, unable to leave. why do some apologies not work, and how can psychotherapy help?
a young technical writer arrives 15 minutes late - not for the first time - and launches into a non-stop description of the traffic that caused her delay. afterwards, without pausing, she begins to recount some problems of her week. usually i don't mind if a patient is late. i'm sometimes late, and it evens the score. in this case, something about the explanation rankles. after perhaps 5 minutes i interrupt to tell her that i've been having a bit of trouble concentrating on her story because i'm still thinking about her arrival. can we talk a bit about it so we can clear the air?
i ask what her intent was. she says she wanted to explain her lateness. i agree that she did indeed explain herself. i ask if she has any sense what sort of an explanation. she is puzzled. i offer 2 possibilities: was it an excuse or apology? "well," she offers, "an excuse, i suppose." for whose sake? "for yours, of course," she replies.
well, that's interesting, i offer, because it didn't make me feel better. i think it made me feel worse. i was bothered more by the excuse than by the lateness.
'you're the therapist; do i have to please you?" i fumble around. not exactly, i say, or, sort of...it's in your interest to have me clear-headed so i can pay attention to you. and maybe things like this happen outside here? then i remember: i didn't ask you to please me. you gave a long explanation without any prompting, and you said it was for my sake - so don't you want to have the interaction actually work to clear the air?
"ok," she says, half-curious, half-defensive, "i guess i was telling the the story to make you feel ok that i was late. what would make you feel ok?" i suppose i'd like some small apology. she bristles, "i'm sorry! are you happy now!" well, i counter, the wording is an apology, but the feeling's a challenge. may i challenge you back: does it work when you apologize like that to your husband? "good point," she admits. "i do make excuses and sort-of-apologies like that to my husband."
i offer that, now that you've asked, i've been thinking about what i - or any person in your life - might like when kept waiting or otherwise slighted. not an explanation or an excuse: i think i want to feel your concern. if i'm the one kept waiting, maybe i feel it's my turn to get sympathy, so i don't want to listen to your reasons right at that moment. maybe if you said, "sorry i'm late, are you ok? how're you doing?" probably i'd say, hey, no problem, thanks for asking. the whole interaction would take 30 seconds; we'd clear the air and get on to what you came in to talk about.
it's not that i'm big on apologies; i'm looking to do justice to a situation in the office that parallels troubling situations in life. each situation is different. i have been seeing a young scientist who skips work, sometimes for days. when a manager slights him, he doesn't answer calls or voice mail and doesn't go out for anything, including our appointments. i want him to remember that he is in a relationship and treat the relationship with care, but with him i'm worried rather than miffed, so i take a different tack: i don't care if you're late; i don't care if you don't show; can you please just call me and not leave me worried? he does, and in parallel he also gradually begins to face his manager, to speak up rather than hide.
a reliable starving artist doesn't show. after 20 minutes i call his cell phone, and he says, "oh i'm so glad you called; i didn't want to leave you hanging. hell of a day. my car died; looks pretty serious. i'm here waiting for the tow truck and i didn't have your number. thanks for calling." here i find i don't want the spotlight: i feel concern for him, don't mind that he made an excuse, don't feel i need sympathy. i wish him luck with his car.
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