defensiveness

“i would advise you against defensiveness on principle. it precludes the best eventualities along with the worst. at the most basic level it expresses a lack of faith.” - reverend john ames, in gilead, by marilynne robinson

jenny hasn’t been sleeping too well. what might be underneath, weighing on you? “well my parents were visiting.” and? “my mom does this thing. when she talks to the baby, she refers to herself as ‘grandma,’ and she calls my dad, ‘grandpa,’ and she calls me ‘mommy,' but she calls jim, ‘jim.’ not ‘daddy.’” was there space for you to speak to her about that? “well, i said something third person, a bit sarcastically, to jim, something like, "mom sure doesn’t include you in the family.’” how did that go over? “my mom raised her eyebrows, but nothing more. i was pretty subtle.” jim appreciated that i acknowledged what was going on, though, even if i didn’t exactly stand up for him.”

any sense why you don’t stand up to your mom more directly? “well, for one thing, it wouldn’t do any good. i’ve tried in the past. i spent many years trying, and she doesn’t change.” if it doesn’t have an impact one way or another, why not just say how you feel? ”well jim would certainly like that. and i’d be glad that jim didn’t get mad at me later for not supporting him. but my mom would hit the roof.”

i ask if she’s ever watched “curb your enthusiasm.” in the first episode i ever watched, larry (both the writer-actor and the character are named larry david) is out to dinner with his best friend, jeff,  and their wives, cheryl and suzie. when larry thanks jeff for treating them to dinner, suzie complains, “aren’t you going to thank me, too? “ why should i thank you? retorts larry, jeff earned it. “fuck you, asshole,” shouts suzie.

jenny and i agree that her mom, sad to say, is a bit like larry..

together, we note that larry’s friends all feel free to call him on his annoying behavior, and he is generally contrite rather than defensive. “larry values his friendships,” notes jenny, “wants to fix things if someone complains. if i told my mom she was being an asshole like suzie does on the show, my mom would get affronted. she’d leave, or not talk to us for months."

so there’s a difference between annoying and defensive. larry’s an asshole, but you can call him on it, even yell at him. he doesn’t exactly change from the feedback. but because he's not defensive, his friends don’t feel squelched, and maybe that’s equally important.

buddhism teaches that the 3 main hindrances to awareness are misunderstanding, greed, and aversion. often we don’t know what causes happiness – if i get a new car, life will be great! (misunderstanding) often we want something that doesn’t come naturally – more snow this ski season! (greed) often we want something to go away before it’s ready - i'm so bored! why can't i get rid of this poison oak rash? will  winter never end? (aversion)

exploring aversion is a major focus of a 10-day meditation retreat: can i examine knee pain for a while rather than shift my leg? no? can i at least examine restlessness before i shift position. no danger here, just aversion to restlessness. can i examine sleepiness? the vipassana methodology of naming each state as it arises, in a friendly, curious tone, extends to aversion. "when is this sitting going to end! bored bored,.. bored?  oh, actually it’s that i don’t like being bored! so, aversion, aversion."

i would propose that defensiveness is aversion in the interpersonal realm. it’s a core hindrance to collaboration. and it’s amenable to mindfulness. i enter my waiting room and see 2 unrelated patients. hmmm…"i better go look for my appointment book," i stall. while i track it down, i find myself rehearsing an excuse. in my head, i hope one of them has erred. then, i notice that my attitude isn’t caring and concerned; it’s defensive. why? let's see...i’m frightened, and – even more – embarrassed. my friend lu comes to mind. i know what she would say in this situation. when i return in 30 seconds, i start with, simply, “how embarrassing. what shall we do?”

generally, defensiveness can only be understood in context. how the other has spoken matters. if you’re openly attacked or subtly denigrated, stand up for yourself. say, "i don’t want to hear assessments of my character when you’re angry or critical!” if you just say, “yes, sir, of course, sir,” you haven’t mastered defensiveness. you’re a wuss.

my friend steve points out that, in everyday life, the word "defensive" is most often used as an accusation: “you’re being defensive!” i offer that i use - and receive - a kind, curious tone at least occasionally, and that i’d like to see that tone more often.

debbie cries. she handed in a preliminary draft of a report, expecting to write a revised version the next week, but before she could write it on her own, her manager called her to a meeting and suggested a number of – rather obvious - improvements. “i was going to make those changes anyway; why do i care that my manager proposes them!” she laments. “and why do i even care in the first place? it’s such a minor report." we talk for a while about how she feels, which, underneath defensive and self-critical, turns out to be indignant.  if you were the kind of woman who told people how you felt and if it weren’t a work situation, so you could speak freely, what would you have said to him? “did you think i couldn’t come up with those on my own?!?”

so, if you’re defensive, or if you’re told you’re being defensive, start by considering the situation from all 3 perspectives - you, us, and me:

1) is the other person giving me feedback in a way that is reasonably caring and respectful. is the feedback warranted or gratuitous? is it any of the other’s business?

2) is the interaction problematic? sometimes we’re in a rush, behind schedule for the movie, or for the plane. i want joey to take seriously that she misunderstood me. she wants me to be kind and patient. each could see the other as defensive, but it’s more powerful to understand that in-a-rush simply isn’t the best time to give and receive feedback.

3) if the feedback is caring and the time and place are reasonable, and if i’m still dismissive or challenging, then i need to look at my defensiveness.

given how often couples argue, - “you’re being defensive!” “no i’m not! you’re making me" - you might think some sort of evaluation like this would be routine, but it’s not; it's rare. i don’t much bother with psychological jargon like “resistance”; i like to use everyday words that apply equally in life and in therapy, so i just invite an investigation of defensiveness in outside relationships and in the room with me. i might say,

you seem a bit defensive right now. would you agree?
is there something about the way i made my comment that made you defensive? how could i have said it differently?
how did your husband take it when you told him?
can you think of a way to tell your boss that he would take in?
which of your friends could you say something like that to?
who would take it in the right way and who wouldn’t?
were you able to come back later and admit you were defensive?
who talks to you in a way that helps you feel receptive? how do they do it?
did he admit later he was defensive?
i must admit, i'm feeling a little defensive right now.

in the individual arena, defensiveness is about information. it’s about aversion to new information from others. there’s the zen story of the student who asks for guidance. the master is pouring tea and lets the cup run over. but master, the tea is spillng!  "just so with your mind, (grasshopper)," says the master. if it is already full, how can you take in anything new from me?”

in the relationship arena, defensiveness can be seen as a lack of faith in the couple.

rick’s old girlfriend is visiting. they have 2 bikes for the 3 of them and hannah offers her a ride on hannah’s handlebars. no, she can ride with me, overrules rick. later hannah tells rick that she was a bit jealous. “i think i told him pretty nicely, too. i wasn’t mean about it, but he still told me that i was being too sensitive, that it’s the host’s place to offer the ride, and he was the host. i told him i thought most women would be jealous in that situation but he just disagreed. i don't have any impact on him. it's depressing.” 

maybe can you find some way to ask him why he would want to be with a smart and worldly stanford law student and then not trust that she might have a few good ideas he hadn’t though of?