john s. smolowe, m.d.

defensiveness

“i would advise you against defensiveness on principle. it precludes the best eventualities along with the worst. at the most basic level it expresses a lack of faith.” - reverend john ames, in gilead, by marilynne robinson

jenny hasn’t been sleeping too well. what might be underneath, weighing on you? “well my parents were visiting.” and? “my mom does this thing. when she talks to the baby, she refers to herself as ‘grandma,’ and she calls my dad, ‘grandpa,’ and she calls me ‘mommy,' but she calls jim, ‘jim.’ not ‘daddy.’” was there space for you to speak to her about that? “well, i said something third person, a bit sarcastically, to jim, something like, "mom sure doesn’t include you in the family.’” how did that go over? “my mom raised her eyebrows, but nothing more. i was pretty subtle.” jim appreciated that i acknowledged what was going on, though, even if i didn’t exactly stand up for him.”

any sense why you don’t stand up to your mom more directly? “well, for one thing, it wouldn’t do any good. i’ve tried in the past. i spent many years trying, and she doesn’t change.” if it doesn’t have an impact one way or another, why not just say how you feel? ”well jim would certainly like that. and i’d be glad that jim didn’t get mad at me later for not supporting him. but my mom would hit the roof.”

the remembered

hannah is wating to break up with her boyfriend.  she’s pretty pessimistic: he’s being a jerk, and he won’t talk about it though she’s tried and tried.

she’s not quite ready to give up. he was caring in the past. they still have fun at times. he’s a good lover. she will miss him.

and one more thing: she has met his old girl friends; bringing them around is one of his annoying habits.  he dismisses her jealousy, saying that she has nothing to worry about, they are just old friends. if that is true, she doesn’t look forward to being “just his friend.” and she doesn’t look forward to thinking of him as “just a friend.” it feels diminishing.

in his novel, “the brief history of the dead,” kevin brockmeier starts with an african notion, that there are 2 kinds of dead, those who are personally remembered by the living, and the revered ancestors,  of whom the living have heard only tales. he portrays a city bustling with journalists, beggars, kids playing, sneaky corporate types, café waiters – all going about their everyday business and all remembering their previous time among the living. as the book unfolds, it becomes clear that one neighborhood is peopled by the 50000 to 70000 individuals that one, still-living woman, laura, has met at some point in her life and can still recall. the inhabitants trade memories of laura and wonder what will become of them when laura is no longer alive to remember them.